Today was an interesting day. I went to have my drug test done for my new job which I'll be starting. I pee'd in the cup, took it to the lady at her desk. She replied saying "I'll give some of this back to you" while pouring it into a smaller tube and spilling it on her desk. She then used the hand with NO GLOVE and whipped it off her desk onto the floor. I thought I would surely get sick. I left as soon as possible. Well enough about that.
GAY OR NOT: I found myself wondering when I would be happy again with myself. I remembered back in the day (months ago) when I hung out with some of my friends that are gay. I could totally be myself and not worry what other people thought. I didn't have to act a specific way because someone would think something was up with me. I reflected on how much I've changed over the last year and realized I might be gay. After all these years of wondering I could actually figure this out. I could forget everyone else because I need make ME HAPPY. I have to find in life what I want for me and my life. The bad thing was that I always enjoyed doing things for others. I am the caring, loving, helping guy. I always have been. I wanted everyone to come to me when whatever was bothering them and talk to me about it. I wanted to be the shoulder to cry on. I now know I need to find myself in this world. I've had relationships before with females, but it was different with males. Granted, I have only been in two male relationships so I don't know the first thing about what I'm saying whether it be fact or fiction. Only experience will help me now. I can scan a room and tell you what girl is popular and what girl shows off because of low self-esteme. I can scan a room for guys and tell you who's out going and who doesn't want to be the center of attention. I'm sure there are thousands of people out there that can do that as well, and that doesn't make them gay. But when you look at the guys and think "wow, he's a hottie. I'd like to get me some of that". That is what makes us who we are. You can experience everything in life and still not know a thing about who you are.
I have had to be honest with myself. The first time I can remember looking at a guy was when I was in 7th grade and my neighbor was outside washing his car. He had a great body and being the fat little kid that I was, I wished for the same thing. I think it slowly over the years grew into me looking at guys wishing I could look like them instead of me being me. I've lost 80 pounds over the course of a year. I know I know, I'm proud too. I didn't do it for everyone else. I did it for me because I've always wanted everyone to see me for who I am and what I wanted to become. I wasn't going to use names, but like it matters now. Trish and i were together almost a year and a half. She was very happy with me. I have to admit she was my first true love. At least on the female aspect of it. Now that I'm not exactly afraid of my feelings I don't mind telling people about them. There are some that I would rather not know what's going on in my life only because it will cause too much drama and I'm tired of dealing with it.
I sometimes wonder what it would be like to come out to all my friends. Growing up in the Bible belt is not the best place to be gay. The city I live in is somewhat understanding and treats everyone like human beings. It's really quite lovely. But then again, I might be seeing it from a biased opinion. I've seen how everyone treats me, but not others. My family on one hand would have nothing to do with me. I couldn't handle that. So I keep my feelings and thoughts private. However I feel my mother actually knows something. She always makes me feel loved no matter what. Isn't that a mothers job anyway? Or am I taking her for granted? I consider myself to be a lucky man. I have friends and family that do know about me and my problem and they still care about me the same. It's like they always knew how I was feeling and didn't want to say anything. They gave me the ability to have the courage and patience to come to them when i was ready. Thank you guys so much.