Feeling Lonely

I miss my friends and family so much. This semester has really been hard on me. I don't know why. Today was a disaster. I got chewed out by two of my teachers. And they were the main teachers for my degree. I'm so upset. Tonight, the weather is so wonderful, I just wanted to go for a walk. I don't know where I'd go, or what I might try to accomplish. I guess I just need to get away. It's just so hard to try to get away. I think I need Thanksgiving break now, and not later. My dad asked me if I wanted to take next semester off because he's seen a change in me this semester. I am of course nervous about telling him. I had a dream the other night that I was talking to someone about me being gay. They told me the best thing for me to do is not to worry about telling them until I've had sex with a guy to know for sure. Maybe it's my mind trying to find the easiest way OUT of telling my family. Then I have a lot of friends that wonder why it's so much of a big deal to tell them in the first place. I guess since I've never really kept anything from my family I feel I owe it to them. I know I need to be selfish and not tell them until I'm ready. Right now I'm not ready at all. I really don't want to tell them until after I know something for sure. As I said before it was described by my psychologist that "because of the non-existent relationship my father and I had as a child this can/could be a direct reason for me wanting to be with a man." It basically fullfills the relationship my father and I never had. But it's something more than that I KNOW. When I've had a boyfriend, it didn't seem different, or abnormal. It seemed as normal as a heterosexual relationship. It just feels right. I have been so worried about what my family might say/do. The thought of me actually dropping out of school, moving away with no forwarding address, and starting all over has crossed my mind. But I wouldn't ever do anything like that because I care too much about my family. Their thoughts and feelings mean to much to me.
On a lighter note, I bought my costume for Halloween. I'm going to be Queen Elizabeth, The Virgin Queen. Nice play on words huh? Yes, it's true. My friends want me to actually wear it to school on Friday. I was like OVER MY DEAD BODY! I will only wear it around my friends that I love. I will be taking pictures and loading them to the PRIDE page for everyone to see. You'll get the link later. Take care.
Goodnight.