Sporadic Feelings

It’s 2am. I can’t sleep. I find myself thinking about tonight. It was my friend Alan’s birthday. He turned 21 again. Carlos, Cory, Alan, Andy, Michael, Trey, Julie, Quan, A.J., and other people were all there. We had a pretty good time. Carlos and I got into a discussion about why I was single. I don’t know why I am. He told me a I beautiful eyes. I’ve never been told that before. I wish I could have someone to tell me things like that all the time. I wish I could have someone to hold and talk to about things. I’ve been told the best way to find someone is not to look. I’ve not been looking and I’m still single. I’m 25 and no prospects. Why is it that people don’t find me attractive? Is there something wrong with me? Do I come across as a smartass or better than anyone? I have always tried to be myself no matter who I am around. Julie told me she was happy to have met me because I’m so nice. Maybe that’s my problem. Maybe people see me as someone who’s soft. Maybe in order to have a great relationship, you have to be rude and cruel. I won’t ever do that. I would rather be myself than belittle someone. I’ll be 26 in less than 2 months. I’ve always wanted to have someone to love and to be loved in return. Maybe the best thing for me to do is to stop everything. Just go to school and not be involved in anything. Dr. Goza; my symphony director, pulled me aside last week and told me that his wife talked with him about how busy I’ve been and what I could do to make things easier for me. We talked for over an hour. It was nice being able to talk to him about me and my personal issues but… there was something else. I didn’t want to talk to him. I wanted to talk to my parents and tell them what’s going on with me. I wanted to say “Dad, you’ll never have grandchildren by me unless I adopt. I’m gay and am happy. I don’t expect you to like it, or want to ever really accept it. I just want you to love me and still allow me to be your son. I know it’s going to be hard for you to understand why, but just know that I’ve always been the same person. I’ve just kept it from you because I didn’t want to loose you or your love.” I told my real mother Wednesday the 6th. She actually took it pretty well. She didn’t cry or get upset like I thought he would. But instead she told me she loved me and always would. She knew but didn’t say anything to me about it because I never brought it up to her. I’m afraid of what my father will say. I know he will get angry and probably yell at me. I used to think I owed it to my father; an explanation if you will, of why I’ve never found someone. I want his love and acceptance. I don’t want to loose my family. I want my family to love me for whom I am and know that I am happy and I want them to be happy for me. Tonight I realized who much I really wanted to be with someone. Not just for the sake of having someone to love, but have someone to spend my life with, someone I can talk to about things that are important to me, someone to hold, to be held when I’ve had a rough day, someone to say “you know what, everything’s going to be okay tomorrow, just let it go.”