Finding Someone

Well, I went over to a friends house to see Evie, River, and Tal. Tal is a great guy. I like him but found out tonight that he's not interested. At least not right now. I thought we had something but apparently he thinks I'm not ready for a relationship. This really bothers me because I'd like to find someone to date and be happy with. My friend Talia said that there is someone out there for me but I have to be myself and not change for anybody. She thinks I'm pretty good the way I am. It's friends like her that make me feel I could move mountains. She's been gone to Hawaii working but is transfering back to OK; probably Tulsa or Oklahoma City.
As I prepare myself to start school, I catch myself imagining what could be or what might have been. I have to get over the past. I can't change it. I can't go back and do something different. I have to learn from my mistakes and realize that there is something better out there. There is someone that will see me for someone who is exactly what I am. I am a caring, loving, nurturing person who believes in love. My grandparents lived together for 63 years before my grandmother died of cancer. She was a foundation of love and support for the entire family. She had no idea that I was gay. I never got a chance to tell her. Given the chance, I'm not sure I would have. I have dreams where I did tell her. At first, they seemed so real. It has to have happened. But looking back I recall everything I said to her. She heard me when she was in her coma. Her breathing regulated as I sat there holding her hand. She knew I didn't want her to leave but the pain had taken her. She never was much for pain.
I'll be 26 in December. I am alone again. I can't help it that I wear my heart on my shoulders. My friends lean on me for support. They are wonderful. Sometimes I feel like I'm selfish when I try to take time for myself. It seems to be the time when everyone wants to be with me. My dear friend Marcus got a job out of state and is leaving at 5:30 this morning. I didn't get to say goodbye. I miss my friend. Seth is moving into his dorm room, Joel, David, and I are moving YET AGAIN to a 3 bedroom apartment. It's going to be a better living arrangement. With 3 people in a 2 bedroom apartment it gets cramped at times. I guess I'm stalling. I need to get off here and head to bed. It's very late. I have so many thoughts going through my head, I'm sure not to sleep. I'll toss and turn all night. Support and love of friends and family is all I ask. I have a lot to do this semester. I hope I can get everything accomplished. I am Historian for my Fraternity and the Media Chair from P.R.I.D.E. www.uark.edu/~pride I just finished the webpage yesterday. I worked very hard on it. We wanted to get it up and running before the semester began. If anyone wants to work on it with me, they just have to say so. I have babbled enough. I'm off to bed.