5th Wheel

I know my roommates don't mean to make me feel this way. I'm trying to get my life together to figure me out. I'm going to have to get a 1 bedroom for myself. There's no way around it. Two of my roommates will be moving into an apartment while the J. and A. move into another place. I'm left by myself to find another roommate. I make is sound like it's their fault that this is happening. It's really not. I am trying to deal with my sexuality, finding myself to be happy for ME, worrying about me; everything that deals with me. I need a roommate, but want a 1 bedroom. I can afford one but money WILL be tight! I know I'm just going to have to deal with it and work through the semester. I would rather not with me teaching, studies, and everything else with the chapter. It's going to be tough but like I have a choice. I... There are so many things I would like to say but not sure yet how to say them. I have no money to do anything. I need new clothes, need to be saving money for an apartment but can't save any because I have none to save. Everything I am making is going for all my bills. I have no money to pay for my tux shirt I need, no money to pay my grandfather, mom, or dad back of the money I borrowed from them. I need to get another job so everything isn't so tight.
Honestly speaking I want to live by myself with someone I can love. I want to share the love and happiness of life with someone. I have found myself lately having a crush on someone that I will never be able to tell. He is someone special, someone whom I admire for his qualities of life, his friendship not only with me but with others, the brotherhood we now share, etc. I could see me loving someone like him, but not him. It is a delicate situation. I have feelings for someone whom I must my feelings and admirations quiet. We may share experiences with one another, but never truly understand one another. Now that I have you intrigued on whom this person might be, you'll just have to ponder on it for a while or just ask me. I might tell you. Depends on who's asking.
I will be moving into a house with my Fayetteville mother Phylis Tucker. She's a wonderful lady. I've not told her yet that I'm gay because I know if I do, I won't be able to live with her. She won't allow me to move in. If I can't live with her, I won't be able to live anywhere. She is my only hope. Everyone please pray that I find someone to live with. It's going to be hard to keep everything from her. But for me and for her, right now it's what I have to do. But I probably will come clean to her before I move in. I don't want to lie to her. I need to tell her because she's such an influencial person in my life. She's never done drugs, drinking, smoked, or anything like that. She's the daughter of a preacher. So a lot is going to be expected from me while I'm there I know.