I am happy for the first time in my life. I actually know happiness. My friends support me and give me strength; Thank you. I love you all.
Okay everyone, I know I've not been around. I've been VERY busy with school. I haven't had time to even get a decent hand job. hahaha just kidding; or am I? Well I promise that I'll write a more a little later. I'm going to be late for the Young Democrat's meeting. I love you all.
Okay so tonight I'm up on campus with friends for the FNL: Friday Night Live. It's where we try to get people to registar to vote if they haven't already. Well, that's my understanding of it. Todd and I were supposed to go out tonight but instead we're going to go out tomorrow. I don't think he's really feeling all that much better. I've really missed him and am afraid that the time issue may cause us to stop seeing one another. HOWEVER, whatever is supposed to happen will happen. I can't change anything. I am just along for the ride. I am having fun with my friends, spending time with Todd, and going to school. Last night Alan had a "movie night" for PRIDE at his place. We had SO MUCH FUN. We watched "Bound". It was really good even if it was about lesbians. Nevertheless, we all had fun. There were 14 people there. This was the largest turnout for any movie night that we've had. I ended up staying there till 4am this morning. Casey, Alan, and I sang all night long. It was so much fun. Today I had my french test. It was SO easy. Who would've thought by staying up at a friends house would allow me to pass without trying. Actually, I was already prepared for the test. I know I can't keep doing this or I'll flunk out of school. ANYWAYS, So I'm better Todd is sick, my parents want me to come home, I'm moving out of my apartment that I just got into and moving in with Casey. In a way, it's frustrating everything I have to get done and then on the flip side, I am ready for everything to calm down.
I met my friend Casey over the summer. As summer was drawing to a close, just before school started I told him I would move in with him because I hadn't found a roommate and he needed one. About 3 days later, Joel and David told me they would move in with me here at my apartment. The bad thing is Casey had already told him current roommate to go ahead and move out that he had already found another roommate. So he moved out. I have been living with David and Joel now for a little over a month. We get along really well. I feel obligated to move in with Casey because I said I would. He still doesn't have a roommate and is about to loose his apartment and it's all my fault. I HAVE to make this right and move in with him. But I'm worried that this will ruin the friendship I have with Joel and David. I want to do what is right but am worried that it will only make matters worse. What is right is that I move in with Casey like I said I would. David and Joel would be able to stay in the apartment and not have to pay for any deposits. I will just transfer everything into their names. It's fair and everyone will have a roommate. I just don't want to cause major problems because of this. I've waited too long. I was hoping that Casey would have found a roommate by now, but we both have been trying to find someone to move in with him and there just isn't anyone. Everyone already has a place to live because school has started; everyone is settled.
Okay, so I've been home sick since Wednesday. I'm wondering how I got it, but then again I'm pretty sure I know how. I've not seen Todd since Tuesday and it's driving me NUTS. We were supposed to go out for dinner tonight but since I'm sick we can't and he's leaving to go see friends out of state. So besides me sitting on my ass all weekend, I'm not even going to get to talk to him on the phone. Being sick really sucks especially when you're dating someone. Last night when he called me, he said if he wasn't so afraid of getting this from me, he would have come over and taken care of me. I was like AAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!! I wish he had, but it's best that he not get sick. Then I'd be getting better and he'd be sick and I'm ready to spend some more time with him. I really like him. He's so sweet and thoughtful. He's always caring, trying to make sure everyone around him is ok; much like me. He said something the other night that really suprised me. He said he wants children some day. I was like REALLY!!! I want kids too. I think I suprised him as much as he did me. It only brought us closer. We have so many things in common. Since my meeting Todd, telling my family hasn't been an issue. Either they know or they don't. It no longer matters to me. However, I want my family to meet him. Either that or have him go home with me and meet my best friend and his wife. (calm down, I'll let you know before I do something like that) Just know I am happy and hope all my friends can meet him. I love you all.
For the first time; in a long time, I am happy. I've been happy before but it's never been quite like this. I've met someone... who makes me smile. We sit and talk about everything; we have such great communication. It's really too early to believe anything more than we're just dating which is what we agreed on. He makes me smile and feel good about myself and in the process, I guess I make him feel pretty good too. hehehe
Holy Crap! So last night I went to "Wild On"; a club here in Fayetteville. There have never been more people there. It was GREAT. So I'm supposed to meet my friends Seth and David there. While waiting, I run across my friends Alan, Alijandro, Todd, and Juan. I walk over to them give them all hugs. Todd is standing in the back of the litle group because he's tall like me. We start talking about various things; we watch all the queens come out and do their drag show; yeah some were QUITE INTERESTING!!! The last queen walks off the stage and the music starts. Todd grabs my hand and we go to the dance floor. We dance like crazy having fun. Then it started. I had already thought he was cute, but he did things on that dance floor that couldn't be mistaken for anything BUT FLIRTING! So I started flirting back and then it happens. We kissed. OMG for the rest of the night that's all we did was dance and kiss. He's so sweet and has a good heart. We dances for a good 2 hours but with him it felt like 5. Even though the night drug on, it was a good night and I wish it had been longer. A huge group of people were going to Denny's after Wild On closed. So we went there, queens were everywhere. It was 3:30 by the time we got our food. Todd and I sat together holding hands talking about nothing, but having fun at the same time. Apparently, he gave me a hicky on the right side of my neck so he gave me one to match on the left; unfortunantly it's a little bigger. (hehehe) We decided we were going to leave. We continued to talk in the car, holding hands; playing with each others fingers and smiling at one another. I got to his apartment and pulled up to drop him off. He leaned over and we gave an AWESOME goodnight kiss. The boi knows how to fucking kiss! When I got home, I called him and we talked for another hour. It was now 5am. We had to get some sleep. We said our goodnights and hung up the phone. I can't tell you how much I like him. But on the flip side I don't want to get hurt. I'm scared of finding someone to care about again. I'm sure things will go slow; this is a good thing.
Tonight I realized that in order to find myself I have to be accepting to the things I can not change. I’ve been spending a lot of time with my gay friends but have neglected to remember my current ones. Tonight I watched a movie about a group of gay men that were friends. They weren’t friends because they were gay; it was just something they had in common. I can’t be who I am without all my friends; gay or straight. Everyday I wake up wondering who I might offend or what I might say that will cause someone to look at me differently because… I am; different. I strive to have equality among people; not just my friends. I don’t know everyone in the world but between everyone; we do. Change can start with one person talking to others trying to make a difference. The chain can continue. Our society sees change as a challenge. It’s something that everyone has to deal with. Everyone gets older, their looks change, personalities change. It’s who we are inside that matters. You can’t expect life to be perfect. You have to accept the “hand” that was dealt to you. Granted our lives are full of decisions; decisions which we can either accept or reject. Why must we be so afraid of rejection? Are we afraid of what society might think? Change is something that is inevitable. That’s why we have history; to learn from our mistakes.
