The thought of not knowing where I’ll be going tomorrow let alone in a month bothers me. I’ve lost all sense of direction for my life. I once was happy knowing I would teach but now it is a different story.
About a week ago I wanted to tell my mother that I am gay. But I couldn’t because I want my family to be proud of me. I need a family of love and support, not a family that looks at me as someone being “different”. And I am. I am someone who will forever more be viewed as different, someone who had something to hide. I’m not ashamed of myself, and yet even now when I think about it, I am. I feel as if I let my family down. I know they won’t approve of me. I have found a degree that makes me happy and friends that love and support me. But the people I need most I can’t tell because they will leave me out in the cold. I’m sure over time they will come to love me again and appreciate the son, brother, grandson, uncle, and nephew they all love. We all sin everyday, the majority of the time knowing we are doing it. But in this day and age we choose to look past many things; at least to a point, murders, molesters, divorce, but when it comes to another man’s/women’s preference on sexual orientation, we choose to turn a cold shoulder, make them feel lower than dirt and run them into the ground.
Everyone knows who I am since I am a Baker from Conway. They all see our family as a support for all that is true and religious. It’s not their fault that I’m the bad apple. I have chosen something for my life and it will forever affect all of them. As my grandmother lay on her death bed, I took time to hold her hand and tell her everything that was going through my mind. I remember wishing she would wake up so she could tell me what she thought, even though I somehow already knew. I can talk to her now, but I know what she would say about all of this. She would tell me to pray, talk to my family because they will understand. They may not like it, but I need to tell them because they are worrying so much about me. Georgia gave me a hug and told me she couldn’t sleep at night because she was worried about me. She wishes I could tell her what’s going on in my mind. But I choose to keep my mouth shut because over a heated conversation, it would not be good to tell my father. I know if I told her first, she would understand. She of course like any mother would tell me she still loved me even though I was wrong. It’s odd how I know what my family is going to say. I’m sure I’ll be disowned by the majority of them. I only hope they some day will forgive me and want to be a part of my life. I know I’ve been gay for quite some time. Since 11th grade I’ve thought I was gay but have fought the impulses that bounced countless times in my head. I want my family to love me. I somehow don’t feel it will happen right now. I need to keep my mouth shut until such a time presents itself to where the family can be supportive.
I love my sister so much and the fact that she told me she would have to reconsider me being around her children bothers me. That actually hurt more than anything. I thought of anyone, she would understand. I can’t believe she actually thought I would do something to her children. I am more hurt than anything. I just want to be loved.
