Divorce, Separation, and Bar Hopping

So tonight I went out with my friend Alan. I met up with him at the Sunset Saloon in Springdale. We didn't stay long because 10 minutes after I got there, they were closing. Everyone wanted to go to Stacey's which is another bar across town. So Alan and I got in my car, drove over there, hung out with a few more friends, drank and played pool. It was ok. I mean I don't know Alan's friends very well, so I made the best of it. Alan of course got drunk AGAIN poor boy. He seems to be doing that more and more lately. I'm kind of worried about him.
Moving on... My friend Eve and River split up. Their one year anniversary was coming up. Eve is really devastated. She's doing better than I would be I know. River up and decided she didn't need to be living with her anymore. I wonder if she's met someone else, or just wanted to have more freedom; you know away from responsibility. That's basically what it boils down to. At least in my mind. If I saw River, I'm not sure what I would even say to her. I just can't believe she's done this. River came home one day and told Eve she was moving out. Eve asked when and she said "now". Eve told River she was going to have to tell Meg because it was she who was moving out. She lied to Meg; Eve's daughter. She told her she was going away for a little while... something like that. What a cop-out. Meg came out of her room saw that River was packing all her stuff and started crying. I can understand where Eve said "You can hurt me, but you DON'T hurt my daughter". Well as you can tell she did.
Todd and Courtney are getting the big "D". They've been married for a little over a year, but were together for almost 6 years before that. Courtney has issues I've never understood. It was as if she always relied on Todd for everything. When it came time for her to find a job after she graduated, she took her merry time about finding one. Maybe now that she's working, she'll realize what it's like to have to pay for everything like Todd did. He provided a house which he paid for BEFORE the marriage, love, and support. I always felt she was... well mooching off of him. I never wanted to say anything because I didn't want to hurt either of them. Todd IS my best friend and has been for a VERY long time. 15 years is a long time to get to know someone. He did everything in his power to provide for her. And now she's trying to take him for everything he's got. I hope she gets her stupidity out of her head and realize the sun does not rise and set out of her butt. She is sweet, but doesn't have the discipline needed; well that's my opinion.

At Work

So I am currently at work. It's been slow today but productive. It's 80 degree's outside. To me, that is comfortable. We have a breeze blowing making it a relaxing noon time. When I get home, I need to go work out but I am exhausted. I have to be able to get some kind of excerise but honestly, I really don't care to. All I want to do is go home and relax long enough to be able to enjoy my evening. I wish beyond all wishes I could have 2 days of NOTHING. I could do whatever I wanted. The problem is I have so much to do, that isn't possible. I have to get some school work finished before school starts. Apparently I didnt' finish all my work in two classes. So in order to move on to my fall classes, I must finish these otherwise I will be a year behind. I just can't seem to get ahead. Oh the joys of having enough money to pay bills and get them paid off. I would be so lucky!

Shadows

Have you ever questioned yourself if your shadow had something to say to you? "Why don't you go back there and give that guy/girl a piece of your mind?" Of course if shadows could talk that would be like your conscience telling you things you didn't want to hear. (laughing) but then again, that's why we have a conscience so that we can listen to that little inner voice that tells you "you're a stupid shit. Why didn't you listen to me in the first place?" As everyone knows, shadows are among everything, they are part of everything. In art we would have no color variation, light would make everything it's natural color, no shading. Our lives are much like shadows don't you think? We only allow people to see certain parts of us, usualy the shadowed area's of our lives. Only when we know we can trust them is when we allow ourself to show our true colors. Sometimes we overshow our colors and they become flamboient and moody.

The Storm

Last night a storm ravaged through northwest arkansas bringing strong gusts of wind, rainfall beyond any we've seen in months, and lighting that looked like a 4th of July Parade. The storm wasn't only in the sky, it was in my head. As I laid in bed at 3am this morning I realized I'll probably be alone for the rest of my life. I have so much love to give and yet no one wants it. They see me as "old" baggage. It sucks getting older. It occured to me loving someone isn't the same as knowing them. People say they love one another to be able to fuck, but only dissapoint you later by you finding out they lied to you only to get some ass. I want it to be special when it happens. I'm not the typical gay man. I'm not even typical. Maybe I should just move away and not worry about finding someone. At this point I'm looking for someone real and genuine. But in my world... hey, that's like finding a unicorn. It'll never happen.

The Storm continued today in my head. Sleep can not put to rest this undying and tormenting wrath that enfolds before me. I will awaken tomorrow to a new day with yesterday's shadow still hanging over my tired and weary body, beconing to be released. I am alone.

music of the heart

Today I had a hard day at work. I was so happy to get home. I've been sitting here on the sofa relaxing; which happens to be something I've not done in a quite a while. I'm sitting here listening to "Phantom of the Opera". I'm about to cry it's so beautiful. I know I'm supposed to do something with music but I almost feel as if I may not be supposed to be doing Education. I'm so close to finishing. I'm basically just whipped. I'm so burned out on school. I know when I graduate I'll not be going back for a while; if at all. All of my friends have something to do tonight. I wish I could be with them. I've called but no one answer's their phone. That's okay. I hope they all have a great night. I'll be eating dinner and watching movies I suppose. I might even write some music.

Working

Well, I got a job just before school got out. I work at First Security Bank in Springdale. I really enjoy working here. The people here are really nice. But I do have some bad news. Alan and I broke up. Even though I was very happy, we just weren't meant to be, at least right now. I do love him... it's just a difficult time right now.