Alan

I went home over Spring Break and saw an old friend of mine. Alan and I have known one another since we were in Middle School together; he in 6th and me in 7th. I have never been able to connect with someone before in my life. He is so wonderful. I get caught looking at his picture on my phone, his picture on my computer, he makes me smile and forget about all the problamatic situations I have in the world. We click, not like two guys looking to find someone that MIGHT be compatable, but two guys trying to better their lives and be happy with finding someone they can truly care about and possibly love. I have found this and am so happy. The only crappy thing is he can't transfer to Fayetteville and I can't transfer to Conway. We are so close in finishing our degree's that we can't change schools. Who knew happiness could feel this good! It's all I can think about; holding him, talking to him, kissing him... of course we can't forget his eyes that I enjoy getting lost in. The only thing I'm worried about is the fact that I've connected to him so quickly. I really like him and don't want to screw it up. This is the first relationship I've had with someone I've known for a LONG time! The funny thing is Alan had a crush on me in Jr. High and High School and aparently he STILL does. And now I have a crush on him. It seems too good to be true. I sure this lasts cause I've fallen hard for him and I've never fallen like this before for ANYONE.

Floating

Leaves blowing, endless leaves. Chilling air, silence that is too loud in my mind. Gasping, grabbing for air; trying to make things right. He doesn’t notice the leaves, nor does he hear the silence screaming from my heart. Endlessness… they’ll never understand why. Happiness is in the eye of the beholder but he only sees pain and suffering.
He’s sweet and caring, he likes me. He’s got a crush. It is believing. He’s liked me for a long time and I never knew it. He’s happy with someone else. I won’t push. He wants to meet with me. I think he wants to do it. I can’t hurt someone and I won’t help someone cheat on someone else. I’ve found someone. I can be happy, I think. Are we two leaves flying together? Brushing against one another?

Today

I went out last night with some of my best friends. I've not been able to go out since January 9th. I needed to go out and see some of my friends. I danced and got to see so many people. I forgot how much fun it is to do all that stuff. Anyway, I dropped my friend Alan off at home and got home to my place at 1:30. I finally got to sleep sometime around 2am. Then this morning I had to wake up and go to church for choir. I actually had a really good service. I've been needing it for a while. I got out of church around 12:15 and went to Alan's house. I stayed there until 12:50, left to go home. I got here, and was SO HUNGRY. So I cooked me a rice, chicken, and chicken/apple sausage dish that is SO good! I sat down at the coffee table and watched Aladen. It was really good. I always enjoy seeing that movie. It came time that I leave to go get my cello because I had Symphony rehearsal. So arriving at the Walton Arts Center, I find there are cars everywhere. I had forgotten the Wind Symphony was having a rehearsal before us. So I got inside and warmed up. I had a good hour before rehearsal started. I needed to practice. With everything that's been going on around here, I've not had much time to practice. Anyway I was sitting in the 'green room'. This basically is the musician lounge... where people would sit before or after a concert to rest and chit-chat. I'm getting off the point. Anyway so this girl comes in with a $14,000 bass clarinet and leans it against the counter. It stands about 5 and a half feet tall to help people get a visual. Anyway, she turns away and it falls on the floor cracking in 9 places in the process. So basically she just destroyed an instrument. There is no hope of fixing it. And the girl that did it was like "oops" like it was no big deal. They have a concert tomorrow night and she's not worried about it. What is with this girl? She's insane!!! She has to tell the school how it happened. The way it broke the school is going to have her pay for it I'm sure. It was neglect on her part fully. Nevertheless, it's been a long day. I have to get some sleep because I have a conducting midterm in the morning at 8:30. I'll try to have more publishings. School is keeping me rather busy. So I am more inclined to keeping myself out of arms reach to anything but school related issues. I must admit I needed some time off so I worked my butt off Friday night to be able to go out saturday. It was great relief.

The Last 3 Weeks

The first week, I got sick and missed a full week of school. I got the flu, bronchitus, and a sinus infection. My fever got up over 103.6. Yeah I was MAJORLY sick. Then I spent the next two weeks catching up. Then I got a call last friday about my mom. I had to leave school and get to Little Rock because she had collapsed. Basically these are the events in that happened. My mother had a small stroke, has a cyst on the front part of her brain, needs to loose weight, and stop getting addicted to her medication. So there is a lot going on right now. Oscar and I have been dating for roughly 2 months and week. We don't ever see one another. He never calls me. I want someone to call me and talk to me. I want him to come over here and see me. But he's busy with his life just like I am. It's hard for us to get together and I have to realize that. We either have to make the decision to try to see one another more or break up. I'm not going to be able to go to Texas with them because I have to find a job. School is kicking my butt this semester and so if I want to graduate on time, I have to do extra hard work over the next 2 weeks. We'll see what happens.