First Day of Classes

Today was an interesting day. I realized I am happy for the first time in my life. I feel like I actually know who I am and what I want. It scared me. My friends want me to come home. Nothing would please me more than to be able to leave and do so. If I can, I will come home in two weeks. It will be Memorial Day weekend and I'll have an extra day off. It should be fun times. Well, I'm really tired and have so much to say, but can't because I'm so tired. I'm going to get to bed now. Everyone remember to say "I love you". It means the world to your significant other. When you don't have someone to love, it's something you miss the most. It sucks to be so lonely.

what a day

Sunday morning at 7am, I have to wake up and get ready for church. I have to play my cello for all the sermons: 8:30, 9:45, and 11am. I'm really nervous. It's going to be interesting I'm sure. I'm not quite sure what tomorrow will hold but only that of a miracle. I'm not nervous, I just want everything to go smoothly. During the sermon, I will be playing various pieces of music to go along with what the preacher has to say. It should be interesting none the less.
Today, Casey the Executive Chair of PRIDE and I went to the HYPER and worked out. I hate going by myself but today was different. Here was a guy that wanted to spend time with me and wanted to see me continue to change myself. I've been trying for a while to loose weight and still need to loose another 50 at least. Casey is a great guy and has an awesome personality. He can see I am eager to learn and want to continue to enrich my fellow friends. We got to the workout room, saw all these beautiful bodies everywhere and that feeling... you know the one I'm talking about, well it started to settle in again. He said, these people didn't get to look like that, it was dedication like you that got them to that point. You can reach your goals, You just have to continue to reach for them and I'll help you. This is the inspiration that I've needed. I've needed someone to give me positive feedback to where I can get it in my head again and loose weight. I worked out on this olyptical machine to work on my knee's. It started hurting at first but slowly seemed to get easier. I've had bad knee's for a while because of my weight and football engeries. At any rate, I took over 2,200 steps on this thing in the inclined position but only burned 180 calories. That was over a 35 minute period. I guess that's a lot of steps to take but good ones. (catch the pun, hehehe) I think I'll be able to work out tuesday and thursday mornings, have PRIDE meetings Tuesday nights at 4:30 and Phi Mu Alpha meetings at 8. My semester is quickly filling up and I've only just begun.
Today David, my new roommate moved in. He's from Little Rock. He is a friend of Joel's. Joel and David went to school together at OBU in Arkadelphia. I've moved into my 2 bedroom apartment but will be transfering my lease to a 3 bedroom so that we may each have our own room. It's going to be more expensive but that's ok by me. I'd rather have my own room to where I can relax and be myself and not have to worry about anything. My only hope is that they guys will understand that I am getting the master bedroom. I am transfering everything in my name, paying the transfer fee's because they want to move. Granted I want to move too. I don't think it's fair for them to have to share a room. I guess they'll deal with it; somehow.
I am the only Cellist that auditioned for Symphony. I guess I got first chair. I truly hope there are other cellist' there on Monday. I don't want to be the only one. If I get first chair I'll be happy with it. I guess we'll see. This semester is going to be different I'm sure. With my 2 organizations I'm involved heavily in, my school work, and me getting ready for my senior recital, it should be interesting. Definitely a full load.
To top everything off, over the past 3 days, my cell phone has rang non-stop. My friends are all turning to me to help them because they can't find anyone else to help them with their needs. I'm sure I've pissed a lot of people off, I've had to be selfish and a lot of people aren't used to me being like that. It is different for me to act that way, but I need to worry about me. Like my friend Todd called me last week, and I've been so damn busy I've not been able to call him back. He's my best friend in the world and I've neglected to call him to see how he and his wife are doing. (Todd, I'm sorry and I'll call you Sunday while I'm at work.) Well it's almost 2am. I need to get to bed. Later all. SMOOTCHES!

Finding Someone

Well, I went over to a friends house to see Evie, River, and Tal. Tal is a great guy. I like him but found out tonight that he's not interested. At least not right now. I thought we had something but apparently he thinks I'm not ready for a relationship. This really bothers me because I'd like to find someone to date and be happy with. My friend Talia said that there is someone out there for me but I have to be myself and not change for anybody. She thinks I'm pretty good the way I am. It's friends like her that make me feel I could move mountains. She's been gone to Hawaii working but is transfering back to OK; probably Tulsa or Oklahoma City.
As I prepare myself to start school, I catch myself imagining what could be or what might have been. I have to get over the past. I can't change it. I can't go back and do something different. I have to learn from my mistakes and realize that there is something better out there. There is someone that will see me for someone who is exactly what I am. I am a caring, loving, nurturing person who believes in love. My grandparents lived together for 63 years before my grandmother died of cancer. She was a foundation of love and support for the entire family. She had no idea that I was gay. I never got a chance to tell her. Given the chance, I'm not sure I would have. I have dreams where I did tell her. At first, they seemed so real. It has to have happened. But looking back I recall everything I said to her. She heard me when she was in her coma. Her breathing regulated as I sat there holding her hand. She knew I didn't want her to leave but the pain had taken her. She never was much for pain.
I'll be 26 in December. I am alone again. I can't help it that I wear my heart on my shoulders. My friends lean on me for support. They are wonderful. Sometimes I feel like I'm selfish when I try to take time for myself. It seems to be the time when everyone wants to be with me. My dear friend Marcus got a job out of state and is leaving at 5:30 this morning. I didn't get to say goodbye. I miss my friend. Seth is moving into his dorm room, Joel, David, and I are moving YET AGAIN to a 3 bedroom apartment. It's going to be a better living arrangement. With 3 people in a 2 bedroom apartment it gets cramped at times. I guess I'm stalling. I need to get off here and head to bed. It's very late. I have so many thoughts going through my head, I'm sure not to sleep. I'll toss and turn all night. Support and love of friends and family is all I ask. I have a lot to do this semester. I hope I can get everything accomplished. I am Historian for my Fraternity and the Media Chair from P.R.I.D.E. www.uark.edu/~pride I just finished the webpage yesterday. I worked very hard on it. We wanted to get it up and running before the semester began. If anyone wants to work on it with me, they just have to say so. I have babbled enough. I'm off to bed.

Jessica's Birthday Party, and MISC.

Well, it's been a while since anyone's read anything on here. SO HERE YOU GO. My friend had her birthday at my house, I have 2 roommates moving in (this should be interesting). Anyway, have a wonderful day guys. Talk to you later. I'm at work. Laters!

What is one to do?

My heart aches. I feel as if there is something missing from my life. Am I gay, am I straight, who knows; but one. This feeling of emptiness I have inside, will it ever go away? This feeling of wishing I had someone to love. What makes this pain bearable? I hope I find a love of passion in my school work this fall. I need a hug. I need some form of physical contact. Receiving the brush off from close friends, what am I to do? Do “they” not accept me for me or do they feel threatened by my presence? Sometimes even tears showering down my face can not ease this pain I feel inside. I want everyone to feel comfortable around me with the decision I have made. But instead I feel I’ve made a decision which will cause everyone to turn away from me. Instead of feeling happy and generous, I feel alone and lackluster.
Do you ever look for beauty when you are sad? Do you ever look for happiness when times are hard? Do you search for friendship when you’re at your lowest? I feel I’ve let my friends down because I only call them when I need someone. Living alone has been wonderful but in the same sense, it has caused me to realize I am alone, no one to talk to, and no one to spend time with. I feel alone.