Sometimes I often wonder over why it’s so hard for others to see their true identity. Are we looking at others for something we don’t see in ourselves, or are we searching for something that we may never find. What is it about other people that makes us friends, enemies, lovers, etc? I look to my friends to make sure they are happy. It’s all I’ve ever wanted for them. Anyone can work to make their life a little easier for themselves, but when you work for the good of others, trying to make their lives a little better, you have a sense of pride for yourself. Seeking the good in all things even when it is difficult to see, makes you understand people a little better in my opinion. Everyone has their tribulations they must work through. My problem is I want everyone to be happy so I worry about their problems and discard my own. As far back as I can remember, my friends have come to me with their problems. I didn’t realize how much worrying about everyone can cause problems for yourself. I gained wait, lost interest in things I used to care about, and at times lost sight of reality. After seeing myself in the mirror one day, not being happy with who I was did I realize I have to be selfish. This was something I was not accustoming to do. I always thought being selfish was bad. I saw selfish people as someone without a heart who didn’t care. I didn’t realize I could be selfish at times, but also be caring to my friends.
It’s hard sometimes to look at myself in the mirror. It’s so easy to be critical of oneself. I saw a man who knew who he was and was afraid. I was afraid of me loosing my family for being gay, my friends, and going to Hell. I never understood what good could come from being gay. I have always been told it was wrong. Period; nothing could be said about it. I suppose I’ve always known I was gay. When I spoke to a counselor about it, they say it possibly “stems from the relationship my father and I DIDN’T have”. My father and I did NOT have a good relationship. For the better part of my childhood when my parents were still together, I never spent time with my dad. He was always working, going to my brother’s football, basketball, and baseball games. My sister spent time with me when she could. She would take my horseback riding at Christa’s house. We would always have a good time. My brother and I never really got along either. He always would criticize everything I did. I never did anything right. I know he got that from my father engraining that into his head about how he could play sports better. Shortly after my parents VERY bad divorce, my dad told me if I lived with my mother, I would be cut off from the family and I wouldn’t have a father with him anymore. Being scared and not knowing what would happen to me, I stayed with my father.
So many times he would forget to pick me up at school. I would have to call the office and remind him to come pick me up. It got to the point to where my councilor at school who lived 3 blocks from my house would take me home with her. Pat Weeks is a sweet and loving woman. She; much like me, wears her heart on her shoulder. I would sit in her office and cry for hours because I felt that my dad didn’t love me because I never did anything right. You see, when my parents divorced, my sister got married and my brother went to school in Russia (when it was still the U.S.S.R.) and Germany to get out of the house. Needless to say, those marriages didn’t last either. My brother is on his 2nd marriage which is wonderful, and my sister is on her 3rd. They are both happy now. I always told myself I wasn’t going to get married until I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I was going to be with this person for the rest of my life because I didn’t want to be a “Baker statistic”. I don’t believe in divorce but in my parents case it was a good thing.
Sometimes I lay in bed at night wondering what it would have been like if my parents had stayed together because they were happy. When they first got together they were madly in love. They never fought and always had something to smile about. But now all they do is bash one another about what the other is doing wrong. I’m tired of people looking for the faults in each other. Look for something good. Alijandro said something probably two weeks ago that really bothered me. He said I was fat. Granted I’ve worked my butt off (literally) to loose 83 pounds. And even though I am not at the weight I want to be at, I have worked hard to get where I am. I am proud of myself and what I have accomplished. Yes I wear my heart on my sleeve and it’s easy for people to take cheap shots at me. I joined PRIDE because I felt accepted and loved. Not because I am gay, but because everyone had a story to share. Their story may be completely different to mine, but we have so many things in common. I joined PRIDE because I thought I would be accepted for EVERY aspect of my every being. But as usual, there are those who choose to belittle others to make themselves feel better.
All I want out of life is to be happy, my friends, family, to love and be loved in return. I want someone to hold when they cry, to laugh with when something is funny, and to talk with when we each have something to say. Conversations in relationships are so under-rated. It’s important to me. Having someone to talk to, to sit and talk maybe about nothing. But it wouldn’t matter because it was the simple fact that we were doing it together. Sometimes reality can be such a bitch.
