Can We Say Sporadic Thoughts?

As I sit listening to Vivaldi played on Cello, I take time to reflect on decisions I've made over the last year. My grandmothers death hasn't come to an end in my mind. After being accepted to the National Deans List, I picked up the phone with great joy to call my grandparents and tell them the news only to drop the phone on the floor and begin to cry. I realized the one who I had found job in sharing my experiences with my music and school was gone. Oddly enough I knew what she would say. I could hear the joy from her voice in my head. With every breath I took I knew she was gone. Knowing I have to continue my life knowing I will see her again some day gives me a sense of worth to continue throughout my day.
Between loosing Elizabeth, Susan, Mark, and a few other friends, my roommates going through things that I can not help, realizing I have to give them space to be able to work through the things they have to fix for themselves. I can no longer try to help anyone else if I can't fix my own problems. I can only try my best to help me. I want to be able to sit and discuss the things that weight heavy on my heart. I know in time I will be able to get everything out in the open. In time.

Tonight while I was at work I realized I've been worried about everyone else. I need to worry about myself. I need to be so selfish and worry about me. I need to take care of me. I want so much for my friends to be there WITH ME along my road which I have taken. Instead... now I see if they my TRUE FRIENDS, they will be there with me in spirit, even if they're not there physically.

I wish everything could go back the way it used to be. I thought everything was fine. I now know how some feel, but I don't know how others feel. Until that time, I can't make any decision on what I CAN DO FOR ME. I have no place to go if everything happens. Everything in the world that I thought I had found a foundation in is falling apart. I love my brothers in the chapter but am considering dropping out completely. I don't think I'll do that though. I just need my friends here with me and they are wanting to leave to do better things for themselves. I want to do the same, but have them with me along the way. I know I can't have them for the rest of my life. I have to be able to let go.

Ok, so last night I went out with some friends to a local club. Wild On is really cool I have to admit. There were some pretty hot guys there too. Of course it was drag night and there were some convincing and some not so convincing queens. Anyway, I've been thinking a lot about my roommate situation and I've been making it into something it's not. I know he's going to be around here and be a friend to me still and we hang out. He just needs to do this for him and I understand that now. I feel bad though. Since I had plans last night I really felt like I needed to be there for him, but for me too. He gave us the news about him wanting to move out and I lost my head. It looked like I was trying to ignore him but I promise I wasn't. I did need some time to myself to think things over, to make sense of them. Now that I'm fine with everything and am no longer worried about it, I'm fine. I'm good. I'm ready to except everything. If this will make him happy, it will make me happy. I wrote him a long e-mail. I regret talking to him that way. I should have talked to him face to face. I know that now.

Tonight my roommate told myself and my other roommate he was moving out. I have to admit I knew he was doing this, but would never accept it until I heard it from his lips. He has been the most helpful in helping me FIND ME. He has been supportive, understanding, a brother, and a mentor. Even though he may be 19 years old, he is more responsible than most people I know. He is a strong man who has a wonderful heart for his fellow brothers and his family. Much like myself we both value our brothers, friends, and family. Although he is staying in town and moving only an exit down the interstate, I feel I am loosing my best friend and the biological younger brother I never had. He said he is staying until the first of August. I know this is something he has to do for himself. I hate loosing friends. I know I know I'm not loosing him. He is staying in Fayetteville, but choosing to do what he needs to do with his life to continue what's best for him. I don't know how I'm going to be able to get over this in only two months. He has lost weight because he's felt bad about moving out. If it were me, I would have done the same thing. And if that's the case then why is it so hard for me to get through this?
While we sat outside, I listened to my roommates talk about things and how this wasn't going to affect our friendship or brotherhood within the fraternity. I looked up to the sky and saw beautiful stars shining down on us with gliding clouds moving silently through the air. Such a perfect night and yet so much pain within. I have mixed feelings about how this will affect the house, but something tells me everything will work out for the best. I love my roommates and would do anything for them. They only need to ask and I will do my best. Tonight was the first I've ever seen all of us cry. It was an experience I will never forget. We bonded tonight and that is what will get me through this. Knowing that some day when we are all old and grey, I will be able to look back on these memories we've shared together and smile. Then I'll be able to die a happy man. Some day, somewhere, I'll think back to the time when we sat on that back porch and cried together telling one another everything will be ok. I love you guys more than you'll ever know. You've meant the world to me. I look up to you everyday. I wake up thinking about you both and wonder if you slept ok the night before. I ask myself is there something that I would be able to help them with today. I have always been a care giver. I always have to be someone who will be there for my friends. I have to. I have to try to make the pain a little easier for them for whatever they are going through. I only wish now the table was turned and I didn't have to be the strong person. I know it sounds selfish, but after loosing Elizabeth, my ex-girlfriend Trish's grandfather getting cancer, everything that's going on with my friend Courtney being back in town, Jeremy's family situations, and now this? I can't handle this alone. And I do feel alone. I feel like I have to walk at night down a lonely road with no lights and no guiding source to help me along the way. Give me strength.

Tonight I saw my friend Courtney for the first time in over 2 years. She got married and had a baby girl. I've missed her so much. She had ment so much to me over these years. She never calls, never has contacted me when I've gone through so much with my grandmothers death. I feel abandoned. There is so much I'd like to say, but the feelings in my head are spinning so much, I can't complete any thought. I would love to be able to tell her how much I've missed her and how I think it's ridiculous that her husband won't let her have any male friends. She moved to Mississippi back to where her family lives. I miss her so much.

Have you ever stopped to wonder what it would be life is your friends or family didn't get sick and die? Have you ever experienced utter bliss? Can you find happiness and love in your friendships? I find myself asking many questions lately. I had a friend die in a car accident almost 2 weeks ago. My good friend Trish told me about her grandfather who is dying of cancer. I lost my grandmother to cancer almost a year ago. I haven't gotten over it yet. She was an inspiration to me and still is. She has meant the world to me. I'm not sure if I'll truly get over her being gone. I know it will take time. My friends and family are what complete me. Helping them find happiness within themselves have always made me happy. I wish I could find happiness now. Everything is so crazy right now, I can't believe that school has been out for almost 2 weeks. It's crazy. I hope tomorrow is a better day. I have support from my friends. I hope I have support from my family. If I do not have my family and friends, I don't have anything. I will find happiness within myself in due time I need to be there for my friends right now. I pray I understand why bad things happen to good people. I just don't understand sometimes.

Have you ever been so busy that you can't get yourself organized? I'm currently working two jobs and have a job interview with Walgreens for the photo lab. I honestly don't know how I'll be able to pay all my bills. I don't have a choice. I got myself into this mess and I can get myself out. I just need to stay focused and work hard. I won't have much money but I'll be able to do little things. There is so much to say, so much to do, but have little care to work on it. I have to register for cello this summer. Classes started today. I haven't been able to sign up for the class yet. It's pointless to try to write anything. I can't think straight. Who am I kidding.

I just got back from Dallas with friends of mine. The Dallas Symphony performed Carmina Burana. It was fantastic. The music is so moving it is difficult for me to explain. I believe the best way to experience something is to be there when it happens. Only then will you have an understanding of what it's feels like. I have to admit I am a little scatterbrained. It's hard for me to focus on my thoughts right now. There are so many things I would like to say, but can't quite figure out how to describe my feelings. I wish someone could help me. But there isn't much anyone can do.
A friend of mine died in a car accident a week ago. She and I have been friends since we were in first grade. Her vehicle flipped 6 or 7 times witnesses said. It's been so hard. I've chosen not to talk about it much. Every time I think about it, I get really depressed. I hope some day someone can explain to me why things have to happen to good people. Her funeral was beautiful. She looked like she was sleeping. I'll miss you Lizzy. xxxoooxxxooo

Tonight I went to a friends house for 8 hours. We had a wonderful evening. We ate dinner, played darts, cards, and talked about so many different things. I would have loved to have stayed longer but it was time for me to go. I didn't want to over stay my welcome. Tonight I realized how happy my friend was and how happy i could be if I would just give myself a chance for a relationship. But instead I wait for myself to be happy with things I want to change about myself. Nevertheless, I will find happiness some day.

Well, tonight I went to Common Grounds with a friend. He and I went out for a first dinner date. We had a good time. We sat together for over 2 hours and just talked. There were a lot of people there. I tell you it was like Gay Days at Walt Disney World. Amazing! There were guys who I could have walked on water for. If you could have seen them, you would have to had to asked for a towel. You would have drooled all over yourself. There were a couple of guys that you could have opened a beer bottle with their ass it was so tight.
On another note I am finding myself and being happy with my thoughts. Although I've never really "had sex sex" with a guy, I have an appreciation and understanding of what it might be like. I've done enough with a guy I'm more comfortable being around them; I suppose because I know what will make a man happy. I wish I could form a constant thought to begin some kind of process of putting my life together. But instead I still find myself seeking acceptance from my close friends. I thrive on what my friends think so much that I haven't really had a chance to find out who I am. In seeing my friends, I see things about my life I would like to change or make better. It's been so long I'm not sure who I am anymore. But I am finding myself. I am working on making me someone I can be proud of. I want me to be someone who I can appreciate when I look into the mirror. Seeing yourself for who you are is something special. Finding yourself and making you happy is what everything should be about. Don't stress over what you did yesterday. Focus on what you can fix in the present or the future. It's been a long road for me, but I think I'm in my final straight stretch. Then again, maybe not.

Well, I'm now working two jobs. I got a job working at a hotel here in town. It is absolutely gorgeous inside. My friend was able to help me get a job there. I hope I can work full time in a month or so. I know it's not much money now but that can change. Thinking positive and working my way through, I can make anything happen if I put my mind to it.
To completely change the subject, I must admit I have a crush. This isn't a simple crush but one that is entitled to be discussed. He is... so much more than the eye beholds. He can share the most intriguing information while still being there for me more than any other friend. I love my friends so much. They are so special to me. This is what friends do, you give your friends support when they need it. It is a continuous circle in which we live. I don't expect anything from him but support for me and the decisions I must make over the coming months. Finding yourself is much harder than it seems. Being able figure out who you are and mold yourself into someone that you can love and appreciate will cause you great joy and happiness. As I have said over the past week, I have been so much happier that I've been in a very long time. Confessing my feelings to my friends was easier than I thought. But I can't expect everyone to be as understanding as my closest friends. I have to give people time and know they will not be able to come around as easily as everyone else.

Today was an interesting day. I went to have my drug test done for my new job which I'll be starting. I pee'd in the cup, took it to the lady at her desk. She replied saying "I'll give some of this back to you" while pouring it into a smaller tube and spilling it on her desk. She then used the hand with NO GLOVE and whipped it off her desk onto the floor. I thought I would surely get sick. I left as soon as possible. Well enough about that.
GAY OR NOT: I found myself wondering when I would be happy again with myself. I remembered back in the day (months ago) when I hung out with some of my friends that are gay. I could totally be myself and not worry what other people thought. I didn't have to act a specific way because someone would think something was up with me. I reflected on how much I've changed over the last year and realized I might be gay. After all these years of wondering I could actually figure this out. I could forget everyone else because I need make ME HAPPY. I have to find in life what I want for me and my life. The bad thing was that I always enjoyed doing things for others. I am the caring, loving, helping guy. I always have been. I wanted everyone to come to me when whatever was bothering them and talk to me about it. I wanted to be the shoulder to cry on. I now know I need to find myself in this world. I've had relationships before with females, but it was different with males. Granted, I have only been in two male relationships so I don't know the first thing about what I'm saying whether it be fact or fiction. Only experience will help me now. I can scan a room and tell you what girl is popular and what girl shows off because of low self-esteme. I can scan a room for guys and tell you who's out going and who doesn't want to be the center of attention. I'm sure there are thousands of people out there that can do that as well, and that doesn't make them gay. But when you look at the guys and think "wow, he's a hottie. I'd like to get me some of that". That is what makes us who we are. You can experience everything in life and still not know a thing about who you are.
I have had to be honest with myself. The first time I can remember looking at a guy was when I was in 7th grade and my neighbor was outside washing his car. He had a great body and being the fat little kid that I was, I wished for the same thing. I think it slowly over the years grew into me looking at guys wishing I could look like them instead of me being me. I've lost 80 pounds over the course of a year. I know I know, I'm proud too. I didn't do it for everyone else. I did it for me because I've always wanted everyone to see me for who I am and what I wanted to become. I wasn't going to use names, but like it matters now. Trish and i were together almost a year and a half. She was very happy with me. I have to admit she was my first true love. At least on the female aspect of it. Now that I'm not exactly afraid of my feelings I don't mind telling people about them. There are some that I would rather not know what's going on in my life only because it will cause too much drama and I'm tired of dealing with it.
I sometimes wonder what it would be like to come out to all my friends. Growing up in the Bible belt is not the best place to be gay. The city I live in is somewhat understanding and treats everyone like human beings. It's really quite lovely. But then again, I might be seeing it from a biased opinion. I've seen how everyone treats me, but not others. My family on one hand would have nothing to do with me. I couldn't handle that. So I keep my feelings and thoughts private. However I feel my mother actually knows something. She always makes me feel loved no matter what. Isn't that a mothers job anyway? Or am I taking her for granted? I consider myself to be a lucky man. I have friends and family that do know about me and my problem and they still care about me the same. It's like they always knew how I was feeling and didn't want to say anything. They gave me the ability to have the courage and patience to come to them when i was ready. Thank you guys so much.